cubereflections

2004-07-09T11:05:00.000-07:00

Flow

I seem to be out of synch as of late. My energy level has been almost non-existant and I've had no desire to do anything, not even the simplest task. Everything was blah to me. I feel better today. More relaxed, and all it took was a few simple household chores that I had been putting off. I also seem to have discovered the key to my writing. I prefer to write in silence. Total and complete silence. I have to feel at ease to let the words flow to the keys below. I didn't realize that until last night. That was when I stopped to take the time to think about how I used to write and how I write now.

Once upon a time when I was young I wrote as if I were telling a story, a narrative about events that occurred on a day to day basis. Often this proved to be a source of unexptected creativity. Some of my funniest writings go back to that period. As time goes on however my writing matured. I found that the day to day stories, the little snapshots of a moment of the day were not enough to satisfy me. I had to go further. Delve deeper into my soul and for a while I was in my writing teen age years I suppose. Now as I sit here in what I would call the mature period of my writing I look back at those two styles and find myself wanting to adopt bits and pieces of each.

You know, its an amazing feeling. Watching words appear on the screen before me, thoughts materializing into neat rows of pixels. It's the ultimate addiction to me. Whenever I try to quit I always come crawling back, a dying man in need of his medicine. So the keys click away below my fingers, and the need is satisfied for a little while.

As I've matured as a writer, if indeed that is what has happened, I've noticed many blogs seem to fade away and disappear. This is a shame, but as Darwin pointed out, it is simply a case of those who evolve and those who don't. I've watched blogs be born and die. That however is not the topic, the topic is that I will not allow myself to die and fade away. It isn't in me to quit like this anymore. I think something has changed in me, blog wise that is, in the past 24 hours. A spark has appeared on the horizon and I'm drawn toward it. The spark is the light of the past, the present, and the future. As I sit here now analyzing the way I write and have written, something naggs at my subconscious. I can't quite put a finger on it. It isn't so much what I thought earlier in this post, it isn't adopting bits and pieces of the two styles. Its something more.

2004-07-08T19:49:00.000-07:00

I know I said I was not going to post anything here again, but I found something today. I logged onto a computer at work that I hadn't used since December and my work info was still there, including a word document marked "blog post for today" dated for Christmas eve. In it I found a post that I had written. So it seems only fitting to return one of my lost pieces to its home.
--------------------------

Where did I put that fabric softener?
Every once in a while I seem to encounter simple little reminders that I am not as young as I used to be. Today at the local Laundromat I was called "Sir" by a kid who couldn't have been more than 14 years old. Her mom just laughed, I guess I must have had an odd look on my face...
The funny thing is, I don't feel like I'm any older than I've ever felt. I wonder if age is simply a state of mind as many suggest or if I really and truly am getting old. This thought bounced around in my head as I folded my laundry, unconscious of the fact that I was neatly arranging the clothes by category.... ... Damn!
Is predictability a sign of old age? Is falling into a pattern a sign of growing older? If so I must be well over a hundred years old by now I realized. Lately even my spontaneous moments are more planed out than random. Its like I have to say to myself "Ok, I've got an opening tomorrow night to be spontaneous between 8pm and 11pm… Hmm what wild thing should I do? Where's a pen and paper so I can plot it all out"
*sighs* Right...
I need to get back to my roots. New Years is quickly approaching and this monkey's odyssey through the year 2003 is drawing to a close, but 2004 is a fresh year just waiting to be explored. So is my legacy in 2003 simply "just another year older?" I think not. This year has been full of surprises both pleasant and unpleasant. More of the former than the latter. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought half of the things that happened this year would happen to me and truthfully 2003 has been a journey I'll never forget. So am I older? Yes. Does that mean I should act shocked when I hear some kid call me sir? Nope. That's a privilege of growing up. ;-) Next thing I know I'll be spotting grey hairs.
*checks in mirror* No grey yet...
So what about my crappy memory? I walked in to pay my phone bill this afternoon and waited to get to the cute clerk behind the counter. "Just here to make my payment" I cheerfully announce... "oh wait" I reach for my wallet "maybe not, seems I forgot my wallet". Well to say I felt embarrassed is an understatement, and the clerk did her best not to laugh out loud at my foolishness. So, guess my memory is no better after a year. If anything its worse :-P
So...
As you can all see, it's just been "one of those days" that has left me feeling older, but foolish at the same time. Now as I sit here on Christmas Eve morning I couldn't care less. I've been humming bits and pieces of Rod Stewarts "Something 'bout Christmas Time" most of the night and as much as I hate to admit it, I am starting to feel a bit of that long lost Christmas spirit. So my final words tonight will be Merry Christmas everybody, and take a moment to laugh at yourself it's worth it. :-)

2004-04-16T13:29:00.000-07:00

Frodo: [Voiceover] How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there *is* no going back? There are some things time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep that have taken hold. (Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, 2003)

I don't think I could say it any better myself.

On April 6th when I lost everything on my site, my heart was broken, and when it broke it shattered into a million razor sharp shards that have been tearing me apart inside ever since.

What I feel evertime I even think of the words "Cube Reflections" is a sense of loss, frustration, angst and deep, deep pain. I've thought about updating from time to time. I've thought about going on as if nothing has happened. I've even thought about beginning all over again but every time I reach for the keyboard a wave of nausia rushes over me and the sense of loss comes back stronger than ever.

How do you say goodbye to something that you have loved this much? Something that you have invested countless hours on. Something that has become a very part of who you are? I don't know.

There comes a time when a man just has to walk away and make a new beginning for himself. To each and every one of you who has taken the time to stop by and read this site, or to even go so far as to comment I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. Knowing that I've had an effect on other peoples lives in even this small way has made me feel very proud and it is a great honor to me to have you read my words. I don't plan to delete this page. I think in a very odd way I'm grieving right now. If this is indeed the end, then I want to say it has been one hell of a ride, full of ups and downs and a fuck of a lot of good memories. I've never tried to be anything but myself here, and I've learned a great deal about me through writing this blog. In fact I think its something that everyone should try at least once in their life.

I've always believed that life is a journey, and that each destination is meerly the beginning of another journey. I know in my heart that despite how I feel right now at the end of this adventure, that everything that has an end has a new beginning. I will write again someday when it feels right again.

Neo: What are you afraid of?
Smith/Oracle: It's a trick!
Neo: You were right, Smith. You were always right. It was inevitable.
{Smith/Oracle imprints over Neo}
Smith/Oracle: Is it over?

(The Matrix Revolutions, 2003)

Till next I type, take care. :)

~~Yours truly,~~ Your friend,

Super M

2004-04-08T20:20:00.000-07:00

Inner monologue of a blogger.

*bleeping* blog isn't publishing right. Might be time to quit.

2004-04-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

Inner monologue of man.

Hmm those balloons look like they’re attached to my cube. Nah, couldn’t be. *walks closer* They are on my cube? I’ll be damned! Cool.

*insert string of emotions* Puzzlement. Surprise. Happiness. Good stuff.

No name on the tag? Ah ha! Mystery balloons.

Hmm, that’s twice now that I’ve gotten mystery balloons. Wonder if I’ve got a secret admirer?

*ponders this thought. Runs through list of women he knows. Realizes he’s hasn’t got a clue who it could be.*

Guess its possible it could be a secret admirer.

2004-04-07T16:02:00.000-07:00

One out of two ain't bad.

Template is intact.

The soul of this blog, the content gone. In its place is this empty shell. A list of archive links on the left that point to oblivion.

2004-04-06T11:30:00.000-07:00

"Everything that has a beginning has an end, Neo" (The Oracle, Matrix Revolutions, 2003)

How ironic.

I purchased that very DVD today, watched it, came to work, and accidently destroyed my blog.

Almost a year and a half's work vanished today when my site crashed.

I poured my heart and soul into this page and in one moment it was gone.

I don't know if I can recover from this, I might have my old template floating around somewhere but all the posts I've ever written here are probably gone.

I think I'm going to be sick.